Sitting at work... and thinking

So, I'm sitting at work and just chilling right now. It's lunch time. The sun is shining in my window by my desk really brightly. While Ketchikan is a cloudy town, and the sun is nice to see, because of where I sit in the office, it hurts my eyes. I would honestly be okay with a cloudy day, or a little less sun. It makes my desk hot, and since there isn't much air circulation in here, it gets old, fast!

Anyways, I'm getting a little sick. Stuffy nose, congested and all. I can do without that. 

I'm still using the patches on my shoulder to get over my habit, and it's giving me some crazy side affects. I dream REALLY REALLY intensely.

Last night I dreamed that I was buying a house. Then I dreamed that I was taking Lillie and Hayden home from the airport, but we had to walk along the runway that was in the middle of a field when some guy stole my laptop and I got in a fight with him. I'm waking up every two hours. It's like I wake up at the end of a movie and go back to sleep to start the next one. Last night, I dreamed that I left hayden outside while I was stuck in an elevator for 2 hours throwing a party. When I got out of the elevator, he was standing in the rain looking around like he was lost and crying. I got out of bed and laid down next to him in his. I held him and hugged him almost 30 minutes. I felt like a bad dad, even though I know it was just a dream. That kind of thing is hard for me to deal with. I love my kids immensely, and the thought of doing something that would intentionally or willfully hurt them just tears me up.

5 years ago, I couldn't have cared less, but now, I know the pain that being a parent can bring. BUT, I know the joys as well. Honestly, I like the joy side better.

I took hayden and lillie to hayden's school last night. He performed in a christmas show. He sang three songs with his class. I smiled the whole time. He's a good kid. I hope I'm being nice enough to him.

So, Andrea and I contended warmly last night about me "assuming that I knew what she was thinking". While I still maintain that I was RIGHT... I have decided to open it up a little and give her a taste of what she's asking for. I figure, if she wants to know what I'm thinking, then I'll let her know. She should be able to figure out what I mean by that on her own. But she wanted it, so she'll get it.

We transfer out of this town in a few months. I know that I submitted my dream sheet a few weeks back, but I haven't heard from the detailer yet. I still don't know where we're going to be headed yet. I hope he contacts me soon. I really want off this rock and to go somewhere new. I think that my time here is starting to get to me. I find myself caring less and less about my job and I'm ready to just leave.

Soon Garen.... Soon!

So, those are my current thoughts.

Journals

I'm gonna write a journal.

Nothing big. Just a place to keep the thoughts that I don't want to put in public view.

No one will see it but me. 

Maybe my kids when I'm dead. 

Maybe my wife cause I love her.

Maybe the cat that my wife wants to buy as it sits on the couch behind me.

Just thought the world should know.

I'm writing something.... and YYyyoOOooOUUuuUUUuuu..... can't see it.

A Rock and a Hard Place

Do you ever feel stuck, kinda like you're between that often told rock and a hard place? I've found myself in what appears to be a false dilemma... a situation where there appears to be only two choices, but in reality there's probibly more than that. Yet here I sit, feeling like I have two choices, and no matter which I choose, I'll hate myself for that choice. Not choosing either isn't an option. It really is one or the other... but the outcome of the choice depends on my attitude, or so says Garen... but Garen hasn't had to make this choice... at least, not the same way I have to. I'm pretty sure he made a similar choice in his late teens actually... and has been battling back and forth with it ever since.

Me? I'm pretty firm on the decisions I make. Once I decide something for myself, I generally stick to it... unless its an emotional choice, that changes every three minutes or so. Is this choice I have now in front of me one of emotion? Not really, but it is fueled by it. I've spent nearly ten years trying to make a choice, and really, I've made no more progress than when I started. Choosing one side really doesn't harm me one way or another. It would even thrill Garen if I chose it. He doesn't care the reasons, he just wants results. That bugs me, too.

The other side of the choice is a little more complicated. If I choose it, it still doesn't hurt me really. I retain every bit of me I am now. (Thats not to say I really lose any of me the other way, just, ya know, rubs against the grains). But I could instantly cause a lot of strife, heartache and trouble for myself and my family... so when you say it that way, it seems the choice would be easy... but it isn't.

One way leads me to feel false, to be resentful of others, and possibly even bitter... maybe even a liar in the really really long run... the other? Well, its selfish really. I want to be me, but I also don't want to be alone. I will be alone if I choose this path.

No one in the world can tell me the right choice. I'm actually quite angry that I have to make it at all. Garen doesn't see the dilemma in the choice... one he's held in front of me for years, but feels he has not presented. I don't blame Garen for this situation I'm in. In fact, really, it is my fault. I've done this to myself. I'm not much for lying, I don't like feeling fake... but it is that very action that has lead me here now. I knew it would then, but I was too young and too stubborn to see the errors I was making.

And now? Well....  it could be worse. It is not the end of all... I will not die, Garen will not leave me either way (at least, I don't think he will) My children don't get a choice (yet) and really... its not as big of a disaster as I feel like it is.

So why do I feel that way?

I haven't the slightest clue. All I know is that I don't like having to choose A or B, especially when, in my mind, both options equally suck. I've tried listing pros and cons. Marking the ones most important to me with a star (A trick I learned from Ryan and Rhonda when Garen and I started talking marriage), but the list comes out even on both sides.

At what point do I throw it all out the window and dive in to one side or the other without rhyme or reason? I don't know if I can. The choice would require a lot of change... some of it I don't want to give up, some of it, I don't care.

Welcome to the endless debate that is my life.

I'm sorry to throw this out there so blindly for all to see. Really, I am. Making these sorts of choices has never come easily for me. I don't even know what I want. I'm angry at Garen for knowing for himself and choosing it, even if it meant leaving me behind. I suppose thats the right thing to do. It feels like betrayal, it feels like being abandoned, but I'm not so dense as to not realize that any other normal person would have likely made that choice, too.

Just because I'm not strong enough to make it, doesn't mean its wrong.

I already feel a little bit better about writing this down. I don't talk to ANYBODY about this stuff because for those who know me... and I mean, REALLY know me, will simply tell me the choice that is the easier way out... for now. They'd tell me to do excatly what Garen did, be selfish. It's too much change, it's not who I am, it's not what I want for myself, and it would be a wedge in my marriage. A nice, big fat wedge. I'm not into the ideas of destroying my own family.

I'm a facts and statistics kinda girl. I need proof. I need answers... and unfortunately, I have none. I don't know how people do this... how they follow so... for lack of a better word... blindly. Garen of course tells me he isn't blind... it's faith, and its easy.

No, it really isn't.

I've been down this road 100 times before. I'm talked myself raw over it. I've cried real gut wrenching tears over it. I cannot be false. I cannot be blind... but I cannot be alone, either. I'm already kinda alone anyways... The only member of 1 half of my family who does not walk the same line. It feels... lonely... but on the other hand... I don't feel like a lemming either... which I have, regrettibly, compared Garen to in the past. Up until now, he didn't know what he wanted either. I wanted him to choose a side. I wanted him to stick to it. Thus far, this is what he's choosen... and well... it wasn't what I hoped for. It wasn't the EASY way.

Again, that doesn't make it wrong.

Sigh. I'm getting no where really fast. I'm going to have to do some REAL research. I need ANSWERS and I need them now. I probibly wont find anything I don't already know. After all, it is faith... there aren't supposed to be answers. But I can't float about any longer simply inbetween the lines... its my turn to choose a side...

which side will it be?