A Rock and a Hard Place

Do you ever feel stuck, kinda like you're between that often told rock and a hard place? I've found myself in what appears to be a false dilemma... a situation where there appears to be only two choices, but in reality there's probibly more than that. Yet here I sit, feeling like I have two choices, and no matter which I choose, I'll hate myself for that choice. Not choosing either isn't an option. It really is one or the other... but the outcome of the choice depends on my attitude, or so says Garen... but Garen hasn't had to make this choice... at least, not the same way I have to. I'm pretty sure he made a similar choice in his late teens actually... and has been battling back and forth with it ever since.

Me? I'm pretty firm on the decisions I make. Once I decide something for myself, I generally stick to it... unless its an emotional choice, that changes every three minutes or so. Is this choice I have now in front of me one of emotion? Not really, but it is fueled by it. I've spent nearly ten years trying to make a choice, and really, I've made no more progress than when I started. Choosing one side really doesn't harm me one way or another. It would even thrill Garen if I chose it. He doesn't care the reasons, he just wants results. That bugs me, too.

The other side of the choice is a little more complicated. If I choose it, it still doesn't hurt me really. I retain every bit of me I am now. (Thats not to say I really lose any of me the other way, just, ya know, rubs against the grains). But I could instantly cause a lot of strife, heartache and trouble for myself and my family... so when you say it that way, it seems the choice would be easy... but it isn't.

One way leads me to feel false, to be resentful of others, and possibly even bitter... maybe even a liar in the really really long run... the other? Well, its selfish really. I want to be me, but I also don't want to be alone. I will be alone if I choose this path.

No one in the world can tell me the right choice. I'm actually quite angry that I have to make it at all. Garen doesn't see the dilemma in the choice... one he's held in front of me for years, but feels he has not presented. I don't blame Garen for this situation I'm in. In fact, really, it is my fault. I've done this to myself. I'm not much for lying, I don't like feeling fake... but it is that very action that has lead me here now. I knew it would then, but I was too young and too stubborn to see the errors I was making.

And now? Well....  it could be worse. It is not the end of all... I will not die, Garen will not leave me either way (at least, I don't think he will) My children don't get a choice (yet) and really... its not as big of a disaster as I feel like it is.

So why do I feel that way?

I haven't the slightest clue. All I know is that I don't like having to choose A or B, especially when, in my mind, both options equally suck. I've tried listing pros and cons. Marking the ones most important to me with a star (A trick I learned from Ryan and Rhonda when Garen and I started talking marriage), but the list comes out even on both sides.

At what point do I throw it all out the window and dive in to one side or the other without rhyme or reason? I don't know if I can. The choice would require a lot of change... some of it I don't want to give up, some of it, I don't care.

Welcome to the endless debate that is my life.

I'm sorry to throw this out there so blindly for all to see. Really, I am. Making these sorts of choices has never come easily for me. I don't even know what I want. I'm angry at Garen for knowing for himself and choosing it, even if it meant leaving me behind. I suppose thats the right thing to do. It feels like betrayal, it feels like being abandoned, but I'm not so dense as to not realize that any other normal person would have likely made that choice, too.

Just because I'm not strong enough to make it, doesn't mean its wrong.

I already feel a little bit better about writing this down. I don't talk to ANYBODY about this stuff because for those who know me... and I mean, REALLY know me, will simply tell me the choice that is the easier way out... for now. They'd tell me to do excatly what Garen did, be selfish. It's too much change, it's not who I am, it's not what I want for myself, and it would be a wedge in my marriage. A nice, big fat wedge. I'm not into the ideas of destroying my own family.

I'm a facts and statistics kinda girl. I need proof. I need answers... and unfortunately, I have none. I don't know how people do this... how they follow so... for lack of a better word... blindly. Garen of course tells me he isn't blind... it's faith, and its easy.

No, it really isn't.

I've been down this road 100 times before. I'm talked myself raw over it. I've cried real gut wrenching tears over it. I cannot be false. I cannot be blind... but I cannot be alone, either. I'm already kinda alone anyways... The only member of 1 half of my family who does not walk the same line. It feels... lonely... but on the other hand... I don't feel like a lemming either... which I have, regrettibly, compared Garen to in the past. Up until now, he didn't know what he wanted either. I wanted him to choose a side. I wanted him to stick to it. Thus far, this is what he's choosen... and well... it wasn't what I hoped for. It wasn't the EASY way.

Again, that doesn't make it wrong.

Sigh. I'm getting no where really fast. I'm going to have to do some REAL research. I need ANSWERS and I need them now. I probibly wont find anything I don't already know. After all, it is faith... there aren't supposed to be answers. But I can't float about any longer simply inbetween the lines... its my turn to choose a side...

which side will it be?

That warm fuzzy feeling.... no, it's not bunny slippers

I plan on hitting the temple soon. Only two more things in life that need sorted out. I don't plan on talking about them right now, but, I'm just making this statement where someone, anyone, the world at large, can see it.

It's been a few years too many since I've been. 

I'm going to go.

Just have to do a couple more things.

Don't tell anyone, but I'm excited. I'm determined. And come hell or high water, I'm going to pull this off.

Shaken Faith

Well, the title would suggest that I was strong in my faith in the first place. I never really was. It is no secret in my home that I have always struggled with odds and ends over our LDS religion. I wasn't born into this church. I was born into a sort of "C and E" home. My parents were Lutheran, but only attended for the two major holidays. They were smokers, they were drinkers, but this did not lead to my inability to grasp faith.

Personally, I think a belief in God is something I must have. It just feels wrong not to. I cannot explain it. And also, don't get me wrong, I am not posting here to bash upon my own church. There are things I struggle with in the LDS faith, but the members of this church lead lives in which they strive to live healthy chartiable lives. I support that and I encourage it. I am even a little bit envious. So why can't I grasp this faith that my husband seems to display so well?

I struggle with the idea that religion is the end all. I can't seem to grasp the greater idea of a heaven and a hell. I do believe that the stories in both the Book of Mormon and the Bible likely really did happen, but I also tend to lean towards the idea that the stories have been embellished quite a bit.

In my own church, I struggle with the set morals and ideas that are presented to me. I never minded giving to a collection plate, you gave what you could when you could... but I have struggled with the idea of tithing. A set amount paid every month, and if you don't pay it honestly, you lose certain abilities within the church. I am not trying to offend here, but I cannot shake the feeling of "member dues". Like I would be paying to be part of a club. I have prayed about this issue before, but I still feel uneasy about it. For us, this is no small amount of money. An honest tithe for us is over 400 dollars a month.

Also in my concerns lie things that have to do with temples. Mostly, I have no desire to wear the garments, which I would need to do once I became endowed. This is a vanity issue with is odd, considering that I am not very vain at all, but Garen has shown quite the..... appreciation for the underwear I choose to wear now, and I don't think I'd feel very comfortable (or sexy) in the garments. A lame reason, I know, but a concern all the same.

Finally, I do love that the LDS church pushes healthy lives. No smoking, No drinking, and the like. No arguements out of me there... but the recent ongoings with the Proposition 8 issue has me feeling a little reserved. I am not gay, nor do I know anyone who is. However, it just feels wrong to me to force an idea of "God said marriage is between a Man and a Woman ONLY" when this is supposed to be a nation of religious freedom. Adding a religious context to this law makes me feel like we are forcing God on those who may not believe in it, and that just doesn't seem fair. Obviously, the LDS church itself did not go about proclaiming the evils of this notion, but it did ask for it's members to, and boy did they ever respond. Nearly a full half of the campaign money for the issue was provided by members of our church, donated privately by them, though.

Overall I try not to be a hyprocrite. Garen's actions over the years have throughly frusterated me, since he has gone full swing from downright cheating on me, smoking and various other sins to cleaning up his act and going head on into church beliefs. However he has made this change in behavior more then once or twice and I'm getting tired trying to keep up with it. He says he has choosen his church once and for all and I don't intend to discourage that. If he can stick to it then prehaps I can better focus on it myself too. I understand we all have sins and his sins are different then mine, but the sheer hypocrocy was driving me insane. I'm thrilled that its overwith now.

Anyways, I feel better having said what bothers me. The LDS church is full of brilliant wonderful people, and I do want to emulate them, and be happy in it as they are. I am working on these issues, and they are hard to admit, but now that I have I hope I can better make my way down this very difficult path.