A Rock and a Hard Place

Do you ever feel stuck, kinda like you're between that often told rock and a hard place? I've found myself in what appears to be a false dilemma... a situation where there appears to be only two choices, but in reality there's probibly more than that. Yet here I sit, feeling like I have two choices, and no matter which I choose, I'll hate myself for that choice. Not choosing either isn't an option. It really is one or the other... but the outcome of the choice depends on my attitude, or so says Garen... but Garen hasn't had to make this choice... at least, not the same way I have to. I'm pretty sure he made a similar choice in his late teens actually... and has been battling back and forth with it ever since.

Me? I'm pretty firm on the decisions I make. Once I decide something for myself, I generally stick to it... unless its an emotional choice, that changes every three minutes or so. Is this choice I have now in front of me one of emotion? Not really, but it is fueled by it. I've spent nearly ten years trying to make a choice, and really, I've made no more progress than when I started. Choosing one side really doesn't harm me one way or another. It would even thrill Garen if I chose it. He doesn't care the reasons, he just wants results. That bugs me, too.

The other side of the choice is a little more complicated. If I choose it, it still doesn't hurt me really. I retain every bit of me I am now. (Thats not to say I really lose any of me the other way, just, ya know, rubs against the grains). But I could instantly cause a lot of strife, heartache and trouble for myself and my family... so when you say it that way, it seems the choice would be easy... but it isn't.

One way leads me to feel false, to be resentful of others, and possibly even bitter... maybe even a liar in the really really long run... the other? Well, its selfish really. I want to be me, but I also don't want to be alone. I will be alone if I choose this path.

No one in the world can tell me the right choice. I'm actually quite angry that I have to make it at all. Garen doesn't see the dilemma in the choice... one he's held in front of me for years, but feels he has not presented. I don't blame Garen for this situation I'm in. In fact, really, it is my fault. I've done this to myself. I'm not much for lying, I don't like feeling fake... but it is that very action that has lead me here now. I knew it would then, but I was too young and too stubborn to see the errors I was making.

And now? Well....  it could be worse. It is not the end of all... I will not die, Garen will not leave me either way (at least, I don't think he will) My children don't get a choice (yet) and really... its not as big of a disaster as I feel like it is.

So why do I feel that way?

I haven't the slightest clue. All I know is that I don't like having to choose A or B, especially when, in my mind, both options equally suck. I've tried listing pros and cons. Marking the ones most important to me with a star (A trick I learned from Ryan and Rhonda when Garen and I started talking marriage), but the list comes out even on both sides.

At what point do I throw it all out the window and dive in to one side or the other without rhyme or reason? I don't know if I can. The choice would require a lot of change... some of it I don't want to give up, some of it, I don't care.

Welcome to the endless debate that is my life.

I'm sorry to throw this out there so blindly for all to see. Really, I am. Making these sorts of choices has never come easily for me. I don't even know what I want. I'm angry at Garen for knowing for himself and choosing it, even if it meant leaving me behind. I suppose thats the right thing to do. It feels like betrayal, it feels like being abandoned, but I'm not so dense as to not realize that any other normal person would have likely made that choice, too.

Just because I'm not strong enough to make it, doesn't mean its wrong.

I already feel a little bit better about writing this down. I don't talk to ANYBODY about this stuff because for those who know me... and I mean, REALLY know me, will simply tell me the choice that is the easier way out... for now. They'd tell me to do excatly what Garen did, be selfish. It's too much change, it's not who I am, it's not what I want for myself, and it would be a wedge in my marriage. A nice, big fat wedge. I'm not into the ideas of destroying my own family.

I'm a facts and statistics kinda girl. I need proof. I need answers... and unfortunately, I have none. I don't know how people do this... how they follow so... for lack of a better word... blindly. Garen of course tells me he isn't blind... it's faith, and its easy.

No, it really isn't.

I've been down this road 100 times before. I'm talked myself raw over it. I've cried real gut wrenching tears over it. I cannot be false. I cannot be blind... but I cannot be alone, either. I'm already kinda alone anyways... The only member of 1 half of my family who does not walk the same line. It feels... lonely... but on the other hand... I don't feel like a lemming either... which I have, regrettibly, compared Garen to in the past. Up until now, he didn't know what he wanted either. I wanted him to choose a side. I wanted him to stick to it. Thus far, this is what he's choosen... and well... it wasn't what I hoped for. It wasn't the EASY way.

Again, that doesn't make it wrong.

Sigh. I'm getting no where really fast. I'm going to have to do some REAL research. I need ANSWERS and I need them now. I probibly wont find anything I don't already know. After all, it is faith... there aren't supposed to be answers. But I can't float about any longer simply inbetween the lines... its my turn to choose a side...

which side will it be?

There I Go Again!

Neglecting the blog that keeps my friends and family updated! Sorry about that but the Altoholics Blog keeps me pretty busy. So, let's do a re-cap, shall we?

Since my massive toothache, I got more pain meds, and survived for the antibiotic to take effect. Now I have to wait to have it pulled. It'll be a little while, but so far, I am surviving. After that Garen had a nice cool two weeks off, for a video game actually! You can read about our Midnight Release Adventure Here.

Then, Garen set out doing what he took time off work to do... leveling his toons in this game. He dragged me along too. Which is fine. I always enjoy playing. I, however, still had school work and such to tend to, so I didn't get as involved as he did. 

Last weekend we put up our Christmas tree. Why so early? because we are having 12 (Yes, I said 12) people over for dinner for Thanksgiving, and wanted to have the tree up before then. Last night we took Hayden to see Bolt. It was an adorable movie that I think he really enjoyed.

So that brings us to now. Somewhere in all of that Ive been making Christmas presents (yeah, making!) which is so not my thing. So if you get crap presents from me, remember I made them so you HAVE to love them! Ha ha well no, I guess you don't, but you SHOULD!

Other then all that, we're just preparing for the Turkey day. Pies need baked, Deep Fryer needs cleaned out... it's gonna be some good eats! I'll update more often, I hope. Until next time!

Much Love

Andrea

Respect my author-a-tah

So I was talking to some friends on a forum a few weeks back and we got to talking about the priesthood lines of authority. It came up as to weather they were needed or not and who each had in theirs.

Well, I made the comment that I didn't know mine. So, after getting some basic info, I sent a letter to the church records department.

One stamp and envelope later (Plus 10 days of waiting), mine showed up in the mail last night. I was pretty excited.

I know have an official paper copy of my Priesthood Line of Authority. 

To those who don't know what it's about, it tells me exactly how I got my ordination into the priesthood.

Well, I obviously received mine from my dad. That was cool in it's own right. But, what about before then?

Well, Dad got it from Grant Harris. That was someone that was above Dad apparently. 

But before that was a line of apostles and prophets before it hit Joseph Smith, who got it from Peter, James and John, who got it from Christ himself.

HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT!

I'm 9 ordinations seperated from receiving the Priesthood from Jesus Christ!

Again, this is a church thing so those on the outside don't uderstand the signicance of this, but to those in the know... It's pretty awesome.

I was excited to receive it.