Shaken Faith

Well, the title would suggest that I was strong in my faith in the first place. I never really was. It is no secret in my home that I have always struggled with odds and ends over our LDS religion. I wasn't born into this church. I was born into a sort of "C and E" home. My parents were Lutheran, but only attended for the two major holidays. They were smokers, they were drinkers, but this did not lead to my inability to grasp faith.

Personally, I think a belief in God is something I must have. It just feels wrong not to. I cannot explain it. And also, don't get me wrong, I am not posting here to bash upon my own church. There are things I struggle with in the LDS faith, but the members of this church lead lives in which they strive to live healthy chartiable lives. I support that and I encourage it. I am even a little bit envious. So why can't I grasp this faith that my husband seems to display so well?

I struggle with the idea that religion is the end all. I can't seem to grasp the greater idea of a heaven and a hell. I do believe that the stories in both the Book of Mormon and the Bible likely really did happen, but I also tend to lean towards the idea that the stories have been embellished quite a bit.

In my own church, I struggle with the set morals and ideas that are presented to me. I never minded giving to a collection plate, you gave what you could when you could... but I have struggled with the idea of tithing. A set amount paid every month, and if you don't pay it honestly, you lose certain abilities within the church. I am not trying to offend here, but I cannot shake the feeling of "member dues". Like I would be paying to be part of a club. I have prayed about this issue before, but I still feel uneasy about it. For us, this is no small amount of money. An honest tithe for us is over 400 dollars a month.

Also in my concerns lie things that have to do with temples. Mostly, I have no desire to wear the garments, which I would need to do once I became endowed. This is a vanity issue with is odd, considering that I am not very vain at all, but Garen has shown quite the..... appreciation for the underwear I choose to wear now, and I don't think I'd feel very comfortable (or sexy) in the garments. A lame reason, I know, but a concern all the same.

Finally, I do love that the LDS church pushes healthy lives. No smoking, No drinking, and the like. No arguements out of me there... but the recent ongoings with the Proposition 8 issue has me feeling a little reserved. I am not gay, nor do I know anyone who is. However, it just feels wrong to me to force an idea of "God said marriage is between a Man and a Woman ONLY" when this is supposed to be a nation of religious freedom. Adding a religious context to this law makes me feel like we are forcing God on those who may not believe in it, and that just doesn't seem fair. Obviously, the LDS church itself did not go about proclaiming the evils of this notion, but it did ask for it's members to, and boy did they ever respond. Nearly a full half of the campaign money for the issue was provided by members of our church, donated privately by them, though.

Overall I try not to be a hyprocrite. Garen's actions over the years have throughly frusterated me, since he has gone full swing from downright cheating on me, smoking and various other sins to cleaning up his act and going head on into church beliefs. However he has made this change in behavior more then once or twice and I'm getting tired trying to keep up with it. He says he has choosen his church once and for all and I don't intend to discourage that. If he can stick to it then prehaps I can better focus on it myself too. I understand we all have sins and his sins are different then mine, but the sheer hypocrocy was driving me insane. I'm thrilled that its overwith now.

Anyways, I feel better having said what bothers me. The LDS church is full of brilliant wonderful people, and I do want to emulate them, and be happy in it as they are. I am working on these issues, and they are hard to admit, but now that I have I hope I can better make my way down this very difficult path.